I sent a coaching regarding eating and subsequently wanting to purge.. I had forgotten she does DBT that night and sometimes has a session after so there was - reasonably, I realize people have lives - a long span of time… so I went running.
I got back and she had responded that I should do one of my hobbies… so I sent her a text declaring exercising, cocktail drinking, and (legal) pill popping are basically the only surviving hobbies anymore… and continued it by saying that I started to throw up while running, but I stopped myself by telling myself that throwing up in alley ways is for drunks. No words could better explain last night except for the text messages I sent. I worked so hard to get that meal in… And in a reasonable time… And my body and mind didn’t want it…
I clearly cannot do this anymore… But after about half my life I don’t know if I can stop it.
Hold onto hope while you have it. With everything you’ve got. Use it to fuel you and don’t ever let it leave you
“Sometimes it seems like we’re all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It’s good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they’re actually… beautiful. Possibly even me.”—Angela Chase, My So Called Life (via cambriascorner)
“Whatever we might like to think, we are never entirely free, nor would we want to be. The very ties that give our lives meaning also constrain us, and it is precisely by constraining us that they give us meaning.”—Everything Is Obvious: Once You Know the Answer by Duncan J. Watts (via sociolab)
“Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead,” he suggested. “After that my own rule is to let everything alone.”—F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (via thelifeofabookjunky)
I don't know why, but every time I get a bill from my treatment suite that marks me as an anorexic I scream a little inside... I am *not* anorexic and I feel like a fraud every time that gets marked... Silly, I know.
“It’s not just other people we need to forgive. We also need to forgive ourselves. For all the things we didn’t do. All the things we should have done.”—Mitch Albom Tuesdays with Morrie (via greeneyedgirl8)
Yep, on the holiday… we were the only two people in the treatment suite.
Took an interesting turn as I told her I spent the morning throwing up bile (fact) and dry-heaving (fact) intermittently… due to pill consumption…
next thing I knew I was driving home rounding up all the pills in my house… driving back and handing her 200+ pills… advil PM, ex-lax, generic lax… you name it… I had it. in obscene quantities — found after I moved.
she told me that I had more life experience than most people she knew, I simultaneously had some of the least pleasurable life experiences of most people she knew… and that she thought I had asevere eating disorder… I don’t know why… but hearing that felt awful on my ears… fake. not real.
with my posting of that shirt that reads, “spread your love, not your legs”
now here’s the thing
a) I think the shirt is funny
b) I think the shirt’s meaning goes beyond sex.. I think it’s making a statement that love is more important… which I whole-heartedly agree with. Having sex. Not having sex. you should be spreading love. That’s actually why I prefer to say “making love” as I feel the two things shouldn’t be separate…. sex and love should be part of the same act.
c) If I want to wear a shirt that I find humorous at first glance and meaningful at the second… meh, get over it. I’m sure there’s something in your closet that I would find offensive…
d) why are we so politically correct? Isn’t asking someone to refrain from buying a shirt or making a statement oppressive? You might not agree… but that’s okay. That’s life. I’m not telling or asking anyone else to wear that shirt… or to share the belief that sex and love shouldn’t be separate. Those are my thoughts and I have a right to share them… and you have the right to disagree.