“If you shut your eyes and are a lucky one, you may see at times a shapeless pool of lovely pale colours suspended in the darkness; then if you squeeze your eyes tighter, the pool begins to take shape, and the colours become so vivid that with another squeeze they must go on fire. But just before they go on fire you see the lagoon. This is the nearest you ever get to it on the mainland, just one heavenly moment; if there could be two moments you might see the surf and hear the mermaids singing.”— J. M. Barrie, Peter Pan
“It will always be there, sitting between you and the incredible life that is waiting on the other side. So I guess it’s up to you when you want to deal with it, how many years you think is enough of a sacrifice, how much life you are willing to lose.”—imstartingtoseeit
“I don’t control the past, present, or future. I just live one day at a time. Enjoying everyday, enjoying the sunrise and the sunset. Enjoying the flowers blooming and birds singing, enjoying the moments that make me smile and the moments that make me upset. But I know that tomorrow is a new day and anything can happen. I try to enjoy the little things in life and try not to dwell on the moments in the past, yes sometimes I think about it them but I let them be memories events in my life that have shaped me into the person that I am today.”—Profound Mercenary
i felt like i did that day i spent the entire day at the doctor’s… had to leave my therapy session to go to the restroom.
it was awful. my stomach still feels awful.
had to boost so much.
my meal plan got upped (again), because apparently my leptin is that of someone with a severe (there’s that word again) eating disorder… It’s 2.5… apparently normal people have a leptin of 15 or more… they want everyone leaving treatment to be at least 10 or 12… 2.5
i saw Dr. M, my dietitian, and my PHP therapist and they ALL brought up that leptin level… citing it as ridiculously low
and then i come home to find out a friend of mine died. suddenly.
“Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there’s not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago.
Everything is changing.
In the early days of my second life I noticed how the shadow of a telegraph pole would inch between the gardens of two houses across the street - from 152 to the garden of 150 - over the course of several hours, from lunchtime into evening. After watching this a few times I did the maths: the shadow movement from the garden to the next meant that both houses, the telegraph pole, the street, all of us, had travelled one thousand, one hundrer and sixty miles around the earth with the turning of the planet. We’d also travelled about seventy-six thousand miles through space around the sun in the same period and much much further as part of the wider spiralling of the galaxy. And nobody noticed a thing. There is no stillness, only change. Yesterday’s here is not today’s here. Yesterday’s here is somewhere in Russia, in a wilderness in Canada, a deep blue nowhere out in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. It’s behing the sun, it’s in the deep space, hundreds of thousands, millions of miles left behind. We can never wake up in the same place we went to sleep in. Our place in the universe, the universe itself, it all changes faster and faster by the second. Every one of us standing on this planet, we’re all moving forwards and we’re never ever coming back. The truth is, stillness is an idea, a dream. It’s the thought of friendly, welcoming lights still shining in all the places we’ve been forceed to abandon.”—Steven Hall - The Raw Shark Texts
“A tulip doesn’t strive to impress anyone. It doesn’t struggle to be different than a rose. It doesn’t have to. It is different. And there’s room in the garden for every flower. You didn’t have to struggle to make your face different than anyone else’s on earth. It just is. You are unique because you were created that way. Look at little children in kindergarten. They’re all different without trying to be. As long as they’re unselfconsciously being themselves, they can’t help but shine. It’s only later, when children are taught to compete, to strive to be better than others, that their natural light becomes distorted.”—Marianne Williamson
super weird to try to get in everything. Not sure how well I did with portion size… and I know my pacing wasn’t the best… When I speed up my anxiety increases. Of course pacing then impacts the amount of food I consume…. As I have things I need to get done… and it frustrates me as I don’t ever finish anything (which isn’t true as I did finish my AM “snack”) I don’t know…
Not as bad as it could have been. Did a dance thing today for 1.5 hours with some friends (one sent me a sweet email after about everything) that were really great to me (truly). Walked my dog. Ran, but then reverted to walking… and really tried to not go back out to re-run what I walked. Typing this to avoid it.
Took a few yesterday… Stopped myself from taking more. Still have the rest… but no plans on taking them. I know my therapist would tell me to get rid of them…
“The history of a nation was happening around you. Children don’t often notice this, but it happens, most years, to be true. For you no less than some, but no more, either. Every child makes its peace with abandonment. That’s called growing up, Rain.”—Gregory Maguire, “Out of Oz”