Scraps…

So I just got back from the last therapy appointment that I will have in awhile… It was a sad, melancholy, and stale sort of appointment

The conversation today made me realize that I need to take a break… take some time to think about some things… to think about:

• how I left that session feeling - and started to feel during it… unfixable

• if treatment is a fair thing to be doing
• to think about the financial aspect… especially with something being what it is at present…
• to think about my relationship with my family
• to think about my relationship with myself
• if I think it will help (go back to first in this list) and what that means if it doesn’t… or only does for awhile
• if i care enough… for it to work… or for me to go
• and on…

feeling unfixable makes me feel like I need someone else to take care of me… that she can’t even help me… like her hope in me has depleted transferred to hope in treatment

and you know what else was said today that stunned me? sort of like when she told me she thought she was watching me die? that i look underweight and unhealthy sometimes.

hollow.

in need of hope back in my life.

in need of life back in my life.