Answering Questions…

I’ve been getting a ridiculous amount of “Asks” RE my discussion of last therapy session for awhile, my break, and particularly the line “stating that under the assumption she’s remaining my therapist” — since I can’t sleep and it’s 3:31am, I’m doing a bulk reply… 

First: No, I do not have hard feelings towards my therapist right now. I feel like when you have a good enough of a relationship with someone you can see things differently and not have the disagreement impact your fundamental feelings about that person. The thing about a therapeutic relationship is that she’s viewing things from a point of view of what she thinks I need to live a full life… so she has a responsibility and is trying to act upon that… I (semi) understand where she’s coming from.

Second: The break I mentioned? My choice. How long will it be? I don’t know…4 weeks?? That’s super arbitrary though… It could be less… could be more… very fluid. Do I think it’s recovery oriented? I don’t quite know… I think it’s more “figure things out” oriented. See what’s what… and if I can’t figure that out… I think that is figuring it out.

Third: Why? I’m not 100% sure I can do what my therapist wants me to do - especially in the time-frame she wants me to do it…. I would love to be able to… it would make my life easier… but if I did it right this very instant, it wouldn’t be for myself at all. I would be doing it for her. I think I need to be doing it for myself…

and I’m not sure how that’s going to alter our relationship — hence my break. Yes, my break is to decide if I should/can do PHP… but maybe it’s also sort of my way to make the separation on my terms if I make the “wrong” decision” (she implied she wouldn’t be able to see me if I didn’t do PHP)? So it won’t feel as horrid? So I can discard myself (which I understand is not exactly what would be happening, but what it would feel like...) before she does… I have this thing where I have always felt like a novelty. That people, in general, get tired of me and will get rid of me at some point… I think that definitely is feeding into this. Considering I already feel weird/sad (??) about it… i don’t know if my decision is going to be effective… even if I don’t choose the PHP route…